Sometimes we simply do not want to play with someone!
Our body is just like….nope, this doesn't feel right.
Bases, Flyers, Spotters – we have all felt this!
How do we put up our boundary and say no? What happens if the other person gets hurt from what we say?
Im gonna share my opinions here.
I'm completely open to hear what other people think as well!!! So please feel free to share in the comments below/ or in private!!
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I think there are 3 parts to this:
- 1. Expressing our boundaries about our ownself, our needs
- 2. Asking questions/Giving space to listen if the other feels hurt from our boundary
- 3. Us listening to people expressing their boundaries and learning to not take it personally but rather see the other person taking care of their needs
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- 1. Expressing our boundaries:
I believe the cleanest way to express our boundary is to share what's inside of us, AND NOT WHAT WE THINK OF THE OTHER PERSON.
For example –
“I dont think my body is strong enough or experienced enough to this skill with you”
“i dont feel right now that i want to play with you, maybe we can play later”
(AND TRY NOT TO SAY: “you are too heavy” or “your level is not high enough” or etc.)
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There are many reasons why we may not want to do a certain skill or acro with someone – and all the reasons we feel are legit!!!!!
Examples:
-Emotional safety – acro is intimate and i dont feel comfortable being this close to this person
-Emotional safety – i dont feel safe around this person due to how they communicate to me
-Physical safety – i feel afraid that i might get injured with this person (or injure them) so i want to play with them only with spotting
-Physical safety – i feel that i am not strong/experienced enough to base this weight/experience and im afraid to hurt my body
-Discomfort – i dont feel nice around this person hygiene so i dont want to play with them
And there are many more legit reasons!!!
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BUT JOE – What happens if the other gets hurt?! Gets offended? Feels bad about herself in response to my comment?
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- How was translate what the other person is telling us:
Let's take a look at it from the LISTENING SIDE of the story.
EXAMPLE
I say to my flyer – “ i dont feel im strong/skilled enough to this skill with you”
3 ways the flyer can TRANSLATE what i'm saying:
- “Joe feels the need to take care of his body” (and feel happy with the comment)
OR
- “Joes says that im too heavy/big, i can never be a flyer” (and feel sad about herself)
Or
- “Joe says i'm too heavy/big, he’s such a ASSHOLE” (and feel angry towards Joe)
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- 2. Asking questions/Giving space to listen if the other feels hurt from our boundary
BONUS: So after expressing my boundary – i can ask the person what they heard, or they feel from what i said. And if they translate my boundary into a painful way, i can give them space, or give them a hug, or whatever they might need at the moment (as long as I have that space to give)
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- 3. How I translate what other is REALLY SAYING is key to how I will feel.
I remember there being a flyer that would never want to play with me standing acro. And then sometimes would ask me to do pops. And i would switch from feeling hurt, to feeling angry towards her.
And I worked really hard to translate her “NO” to an expression of a need of hers. Maybe she doesnt feel emotionally safe around me. Or feels discomfort in my energy and she is just protecting her emotional needs as I would do the same? It wasnt easy for and lasted for a few months.
For me the lesson was: I want to learn to communicate in the way that will be easiest for others to understand my needs here.
And also, there are many people that WONT communicate in the way i wanna hear! And my happiness is in MY HANDS, in MY ABILITY to translate what they are saying.
For example, even if someone comes over to me and says “Joe, you too heavy for me” – i can still learn to translate that the other person is saying to me “i feel the need to protect my body and im afraid your weight will hurt me”
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This is NOT EASY and i know i've touched on a sensitive topic!!
I'm assuming most of us are here to grow as people, to learn to communicate in more effective ways, in both our speaking and listening skills.
The acroyoga platform is an incredible platform to practice these skills and then bring this to ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS!
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Anyone who wants to talk with me about this personally – feel free to send me a message in private: acrobyjoe@gmail.com or on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/acrobyjoe/?hl=en
P.s. Most of my examples were based on saying no to flyers but it goes both ways!!!!